Diputsville--Episode 1:Ghost Is Fine, Gimme Mine!
by Dude Jupiter
Summary: Of all the stupid things. Another stupid fic, by a stupid author, to give you a really stupid time. Join the gang as they all die. Whoopie.


DISCLAIMER: Don't own Tenchi   
BRIEFLY: Wowie, it's been a while since I've submitted story, hasn't it?! Oh well. I've decided to bore you with another fic of mine.   
NOTE: Let's just hope I offend someone   
  
  
DIPUTSVILLE   
by Dude Jupiter   
  
  
  
EPISODE 1:GHOST IS FINE, GIMME MINE!   
by Dude Jupiter   
  
It was another innocent day at the Masaki house. Yes, another one of those stupid, innocent   
days, when the sun is shining, the sky is blue, and the light breeze is blowing. One of those days   
that everyone was sitting around the TV watching some soap opera or something. One of those   
days that Tenchi just didn't seem to be there, partly because he wasn't.   
In fact, he was up in his room fearing for his mortal life.   
"Honestly, dad," he said through sobs. "I... I tried... but..."   
"Shut up!" Nobayuki screamed, his bloodshot eyes trying to achieve a focus on Tenchi. He   
waved his gun wildly, and Tenchi threw his arms up in front of him for fear that his dad would   
accidentally pull the trigger. "Just shut up! How in the world could you have been mugged? You   
were armed!"   
"I..."   
"SHUT UP!" Nobayuki screamed. "Now ANSWER me!"   
"I said..."   
"SHUT UP! DON'T INTERRUPT ME!"   
Tenchi sat in stunned silence. He stared at Nobayuki, fear building in his chest and   
tightening it as if he were having a heart attack.   
"Do you realize how important it is that you do everything I say?!" Nobayuki shouted,   
pointing the gun at Tenchi.   
"Yes, yes!" Tenchi sobbed.   
"Then why didn't you?!"   
"Some guy ran up and pointed a gun at me and told me to..."   
"Shut up!" Nobayuki shouted. This time his grip on the gun became too hard, and a shot   
was fired. For a moment Tenchi was sure he had been hit, but, as he came out of his daze, he   
glanced at his floor and saw a huge hole in it. "You failed me! You failure! You stupid, stupid kid!   
You're worthless! Completely worthless! You know that?!"   
"I... yes!" Tenchi responded quickly.   
Nobayuki stopped speaking for a moment. Tenchi looked up into Nobayuki's crossed,   
clouded eyes. A smile, a wicked, evil smile, spread itself across Nobayuki's face. In terrifying   
slowness Nobayuki said, "Do you know what I do with worthless little boys?"   
"No..." Tenchi cried, falling to his knees. "No, I..."   
Nobayuki let out a deranged laugh and lifted his gun to aim at Tenchi. "Do you know what   
this beautiful little gun is for?"   
"Y...Y...Y...Yes," Tenchi said slowly.   
"It is for murrrrrrdering people," Nobayuki said with a laugh. "You pulllll the little   
triiiiiigger, and BOOM! The body on the other end explodes in a tidal wave of blood and organs!   
No, wait... that's what happens with a grenade... But a gun is close enough! You'll diiiiiiiiie!"   
"No... no, pleeeeease!" Tenchi cried. "Pleeeeaaaase! I won't ever mess up again...!"   
"Oh, I could have told you that," Nobayuki said, laughing insanely, as he pulle the trigger.   
BOOM!   
Hmmm, Nobayuki thought to himself, moments later, his thoughts completely messed up. I   
don't recall ever having painted Tenchi's walls red...   
Tenchi lay on the floor, writhing in pain, holding his stomach. He choked and blood came   
out of his mouth. Nobayuki fired twice more and then Tenchi lay still. Under him was a large pool   
of blood.   
Nobayuki chuckled to himself. He walked outside the room and closed the door. A little   
trickle of blood ran out from under the door, but Nobayuki didn't mind it. It looked somewhat   
funny to him. He laughed crazily and then shot the floor, just because that seemed somewhat   
funny as well.   
*************************************   
It's almost supper time on this perfectly innocent day, and we find Sasami merrily cooking   
supper while humming a happy cooking tune.   
  
"Supper time, make some gruel!   
The lady cooks the meal!   
Add some acid, petrol fuel!   
Make wounds that can't heal!   
  
"Come together, all, and EAT!   
Have I a surprise for you!   
Infected water, soiled meat,   
This makes you black and blue!   
  
"Add some Ajax, window cleaner,   
Toilet cleaner, lye...!   
Eat up dearies, don't worry bout being leaner...   
Never mind, just die!"   
  
Sasami giggled. That was her favorite cooking song. She remembered how her mother had   
sung it one night while making supper... The next day her brother (which most people never knew   
about) had died.   
And tonight Sasami was preparing a *special* meal...   
"Sasami?"   
Sasami gasped and threw the small container of sulferic acid under the sink. She jumped   
when she heard glass break, which was followed by a faint hissing.   
"Sasami?"   
"Yes, Grandpa?" she responded as the old fogie walked into the room.   
"Sasami!" Katsuhito said in delight. "My little Sasamiiiiiii! Is supper almost done?"   
"It's going to kill you," Sasami said absently.   
"What was that, Sasami?" Katsuhito asked. "I must be a little hard of hearing, but I could   
have sworn that you said it would kill me..."   
"Silly you," Sasami responded. "I said, it will FILL you. Duhhhhhh. Now get out of here so   
I can finish."   
"Okay!" Katsuhito said cheerily, and he skipped out of the room like a little schoolgirl in a   
pink dress with a pretty pink ribbon on the back.   
Sasami hurriedly finished her supper.   
Meanwhile, upstairs, Nobayuki was getting ready for a Halloween party he had been   
invited to (yes, strangely, this day just happened to be Halloween!). He carefully adjusted his   
costume, looking at himself in the mirror, giggling...   
Yes, he looked absolutely stunning in this pink schoolgirl dress with a pretty pink ribbon in   
the back! (Oh my, my brain is quite repetitive... Sorry, folks, you'll just have to live with it.) Stand   
aside Pamala Anderson, here comes NOBAYUKI MASAKI! Goodbye Jennifer Lopez, see ya   
Miriah Carey (or however the heck you spell that name)... Step up Nobayuki! (Of course, the only   
person whose beauty surpasses Nobayuki is our dear Janet Reno (duh))!   
Nobayuki opened a large, black plastic trash bag and glanced happily into it. Yes, this   
special prop would make his Halloween costume complete! He could just imagine walking into the   
party carrying this! Oh, what fun I'll have, he thought to himself.   
Katsuhito walked into the room and smiled. "You are such a beautiful girl, Nobayuki,"   
Katsuhito said with a smile. "I always knew you'd look simply perfect in a dress like that."   
"Yes," Nobayuki agreed. "The party will be SMASHING! (hehe)"   
"I'm sure it will be a BLAST! (hehe)" Katsuhito replied.   
"Everyone will get a KICK out of it! (hehe)"   
"You'll BLOW THEM AWAY! (hehe)"   
"I'll break a leg! And an arm! And a rib cage! And a skull! (hehe)"   
"Well, I'm sure you'll have fun, Nobayuki!" Katsuhito said with a wicked smile. "Too bad   
you won't be able to eat Sasami's supper, though... From what I hear, it's going to be simply sinful!   
(hahaha, katsuhito, you're talking about your own death, hehe) I just can't WAIT!"   
"Well, I'll be off now!" Nobayuki said, bouncing his way out of the room. "Oh, and, um, of   
COURSE, after the party we'll have a soccor game, so, that's what's inside this bag. Hehe! Bye,   
Dad!"   
"See ya, Nobayuki," Katsuhito said. After Nobayuki had bounced out of the room,   
Katsuhito's smile faded off his face. A scowl formed. A handgun slipped out from under his shirt   
and fell to the floor, and he picked it up quickly.   
He sighed deeply. He just hadn't been able to do it...   
How can you shoot your son when he's dressed up like a girl?!   
*************************************   
Nobayuki finally made it to his wonderful little party after half an hour of driving like a   
lunatic (which he was). He parked his car on top of the house's mailbox and rushed up to the door.   
He rang the doorbell.   
The door opened. It was dark inside, and the door was covered with fake cobwebs. These   
immediately caught Nobayuki's attention.   
"Happy Halloween!" the person at the door, dressed up as a witch, said. "Come on in! Help   
yourself to anything!"   
And that Nobayuki did. Unable to help himself, he pulled down some cobwebs and stuffed   
them in his mouth. Then he walked in, that strange bag with a sphere-shaped object inside at his   
side.   
'Say, what's that?" the witch asked.   
"Ohhhh, a *surprise*!" Nobayuki declared happily. "I've got pleanty of surprises tonight!   
They'll knock your socks off with your feet still inside them!"   
The witch laughed, thinking this was a joke, and Nobayuki walked into the party.   
Inside people, dressed up as everything from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to fat old   
Santa himself to witches and goblins and whatnots were all talking and drinking and whatever else   
the heck they wanted to do.   
Nobayuki set to work.   
*************************************   
"O Great Gods of the Pink Caterpillar," Katsuhito cried out as they sat down to the supper   
table. "I call upon you to bless this food! O Great Gods of the Sun; burn not our planet into   
cinders. O Great Other Gods of the Japanese Set of Gods; I bessech thou's not to cause my spinal   
cord to snap into two and a half pieces! O Great Gods of the Small Toilet in Japanese Houses; I   
beseech thee, update thyself so that thou might match the American toilets! And let us eat."   
Katsuhito, being a pig, immediately shoved some of the green, glowing food into his   
mouth. Immediately his mouth dropped in sheer terror. His eyes widened in a sickening pain. In a   
matter of seconds the acid ate away his entire lower jaw. His body began discharging gas from   
every pore in his body, and he seemed to 'deflate'. His skin wrapped around his bones as he   
'deflated', and soon his bones collapsed, as if brittle ash. After a matter of minutes Katsuhito was   
nothing but a small pile of gray ashes on his seat.   
Everyone paused. They all stared at the little pile of ashes that had been Katsuhito. No one   
moved; no one ate. They just stared.   
"Oh, he just has allergic reactions to my food," Sasami sighed. "Nothing's going to happen   
to you if you eat it."   
"That's a pretty severe allergic reaction," Washu pointed out.   
"Oh, I can't help that!" Sasami cried out. "Just eat your food for goodness' sake! That was a   
once-in-a-lifetime occurance!"   
"Oh!" Ryoko cried out in relief.   
Assured that none of them would have any allergic reactions, everyone dug in, except for   
Sasami, who waited. She watched as each and every one of the others deflated into a pile of dust,   
just like old Katsuhito.   
"Stupids," Sasami laughed. "You really believed me!"   
"Did anyone ever tell you that dead peoples' ghosts rise on Halloween?" Washu asked.   
"Yes, but that's stupid," Sasami giggled. "You actually expect me to believe that?"   
"Yes," Washu said.   
"Washu, you're silly!" Sasami laughed, glancing at the pile of ashes that had once been   
Washu. "You're silly! You're... you're... so... you're so..."   
Washu's ghost formed an evil smile. The others stepped up behind her.   
Sasami gulped.   
*************************************   
"Happy Halloweeeeen!" Someone cried. "In ten minutes it will be midnight, when the   
*ghosts* come out!"   
Nobayuki laughed. Yes, he thought to himself. That IS when the ghosts will leave these   
mortal bodies, I suppose...   
"Hey EVERYONE!" Nobayuki screamed. "Have I got a surprise for you all!"   
"Hey, Nobayuki's got a *surprise*!" someone shouted.   
"Yeah!" Nobayuki screamed. Then he opened his mysterious black bag and drew out the   
object inside. He held it high.   
Screams. People clutching at their chests and falling to the floor. Old men collapsing. Puke.   
Stupefied stares.   
"What?" Nobayuki shouted. Then he chucked his son's head into the punch bowl. It landed   
and splashed the punch everywhere. "I cut it off him when I murdered him. It's supposed to spice   
the punch up, ya know, give it a twist in its flavor! Drink away!"   
Stupefied expressions.   
"Oh, come off it!" Nobayuki laughed. "It's just the head off my son's dead body. So?   
Nothing new about that. You'd think you'd all be more freaking out about the bombs I planted all   
over this place that'll blow up in a few minutes."   
Stupefied expressions continued to stare back into Nobayuki's face.   
"Oh well, I'm busting out of here," Nobayuki said with a laugh. "I've had a great time!   
Thanks! See you all later! No, wait, I won't... Your bodies will be beyond recognition... I suppose   
they won't have open-casket funerals. No, this will be a sort of cremation, I suppose... Well,   
goodbye!"   
And with that Nobayuki left the house. He pulled his car away from the house and started   
down the streets. In his rearview mirror, just as it turned 12:00 midnight, the house blew sky-high.   
"This is when the ghosts rise," Tenchi said with a laugh.   
"Why, I already knew that, son!" Nobayuki said with a laugh. He began pulling the   
weapons out from under his dress and throwing them into the back seat. "You must always   
remember those kind of things. You must know how to avoid the ghosts."   
"Yes, I suppose you do," Tenchi responded. "Why, you have taken all precautions! By all   
means, what if someone you murdered came back to haunt you? You're prepared!"   
"Oh, yes, son!" Nobayuki cried. "Your father is always pre..."   
Nobayuki glanced to his right, where his son sat smiling wickedly in the passenger's seat.   
Nobayuki gulped.   
"Oh boy."   
*************************************   
The door opened. In walked Nobayuki, followed by Tenchi, who was holding several   
machine guns. Nobayuki's trembling arms were held in the air in the familiar 'I surrender' position.   
They both stopped short.   
"What in the world is THIS?" Nobayuki cried. "All over the floors and walls... Is it   
lasagne?!"   
Tenchi walked up and examined a chunk of the stuff. He sniffed it, took a bit to eat. He   
threw it down in disgust.   
"It's Sasami," he muttered.   
"No..." Nobayuki gasped. He looked around the room. Sasami was the new wallpaper. All   
over the walls. And the floors.   
"Who did this?!" Tenchi called out.   
Washu came out from her closet holding a rather large machette.   
"You did this, Washu?"   
"Yes," Washu responded. "She was a naughty little girl. She killed us all, you see. So we   
killed her."   
"So the only one left alive is Nobayuki here," Tenchi said. "Who killed me."   
Nobayuki gulped.   
"And Ryo-Ohki!" cried the ghost Sasami in joy. "Don't forget Ryo-Ohki!"   
"And Ryo-Ohki," added Washu.   
"Where is that little ball of fur?" Ryoko asked. Then, seeing the little innocent fleabag   
pawing at some of Sasami's remains, she shot a ball of power at it. There was an explosion, and   
Ryo-Ohki's body was spread out all over the room to join Sasami's.   
"Meeee-owwww!" Ryo-Ohki laughed happily as her spirit came out of the spot she had just   
been standing in.   
"Okay, so we're all ghosts," Ryoko pointed out. "Yay, that's grrreat. Except for Nobayuki,   
that is. What do we do now?"   
"Kill Nobayuki!" Mihoshi shouted happily.   
Katsuhito put on a choked grimace.   
Just how COULD you kill a man when he was wearing a pink dress?! The world will never   
know.   
"No, please, no!" Nobayuki cried. "Noooooooo! Please! Anything but death!"   
*************************************   
1:35 AM, BEHIND MASAKI HOUSE   
"Ha, ha, Ryoko!" Ayeka laughed as Ryoko finished a joke. "That was just SOOOO funny,   
Ryoko, let me tell ya."   
"You just have no sense of humor, you little ditz," Ryoko scowled.   
"Have another marshmallow, girls!" Tenchi said joyfully. He put half a dozen   
marshmallows on each of their sticks.   
Ryoko moved her marshmallows over the fire, where the ashes of one of Nobayuki's arms   
rested. She watched as the marshmallow melted, and a piece fell off and onto Nobayuki's cremated   
hand.   
Nobayuki sat with the group, laughing, watching his body burn. It was actually somewhat   
amusing, if you looked at it from the right perspective. (Nobayuki's perspectives are never right,   
but he still enjoyed watching it.)   
It was a long night of fun. They sang songs, had fun, played games, and all that happy-   
crap.   
Then, finally, when the sun came up, they all went to sleep and woke up smelling like   
rotting peanut butter and cheese all mixed in with two-day-old puke.   
  
THE END   
  
  
ANNOYING AUTHOR'S END-OF-THE-STORY NOTES:   
Yaya, it's MEEEE! Aren't you excited? No, you say? Well, neither was I! So whatever! Yeah, let's   
get down to facts! Or, whatever.   
  
DIPUTSVILLE: This is going to be a series of stories all melded together into one giant,   
stupid story with absolutely no meaning, purpose, or value at all! In fact, of what little plot there   
will be, it will most definitely be stupid! I'm going to have fun with this series, and if you don't like   
it, you can SUCK MONKEY EGGS!   
  
DIPUTS: Yes, diputs is a word. No, you will not find the word 'diputs' in a dictionary. I'd   
like to see if anyone can figure out what it means. It is so stinkin easy that it's hard... If you ever   
find out, you'll hate yourself. It is too easy. Yes, if you figure out what it is you get a prize...   
Simply go to your cookie jar and extract a cookie, and you have your prize! Yippee!   
  
And now to speak about this story! Then I'll let ya go! (on second thoght, just quit reading   
now.) Well, the world has surely ascended to its lowest level! With all the buildings blowing up, all   
the anthrax coming to me in the mail, and all those great little shoot-Bin-Ladden games (oh, my, I   
didn't shoot Bin Ladden, gramps! Uhh... never mind...) my theories have been proven! The world   
is a big place where a bunch of stupid people run around thinking they are so great and mighty,   
whereas they are small, insignificant fools with half-an-ounce brains that tell them to do stupid   
things! Thus I bring you DIPUTSVILLE! The ultimate in human stupidity! (or not) I plan to show   
all of you how stupid we truly are! It's all stupid! Yaya! Well, I hope to have fun with this series,   
and I hope you have fun as well.   
  
If you don't think you're stupid.... well... well... (how in the world did you achieve that kind   
of self confidence?!)   
  
Thanks for reading my story! Have a great day! (And remember, when you find white powders in   
your mail, it's always best not to ingest the letter.) 


End file.
